My heart...

The past 2 months my heart has been full and my mind has been racing. Finding out about my sisters cancer has really put my life into a whirlwind of emotions. Tonite, I will be the most honest I think I have ever been to myself. I have been carrying around frustration, anxiety, resentment, love, passion, and exhaustion on my shoulders. I love my life with Justin. I love that he has a job that he loves and a really good job. But I hate being away from my family, and my bestest friends. I have rarely asked much of my friends, and i have been so resentful that one of my best girl friends proved she was not that when I asked her to be there for me during one of the most emotional times of my life. It was hard for me to understand why (we will just call her L R) was causing so much un-needed drama and hurt in my life when i needed a shoulder to cry on when learning of my sisters cancer. It hurt me because she was one of the closest friends to my heart I have in Lubbock. And God knows, I have been there for her through everything she has been through over the past few years. I have been feeling like I have been walking everyday like an emotional ticking time bomb. I needed to be with my family, i needed to know what Justin&my long term plans were. I felt this sudden need to pack up everything and move to my home asap. And I was angry that we were not doing that. And going through all of those emotions, topped with being a full time mom&teacher to my son were wearing me out. I looked on the outside like I was full of energy...but inside I have been exhausted and struggling. I know has been hard on Justin to see me cry as much as I have lately. I know he has been at a loss of words and stuck on what the "right" thing to do or say would be. But Justin is a believer in God and he constantly would tell me to pray about it and be patient. i am not going to lie...sometimes that would make me so upset. I wanted more.

When I was sitting in my thoughts with God tonite and doing my nightly bible study. I felt like everything I was reading was God speaking right to my soul. I wanted to share because I feel like it will provide some healing. I know when I read the words from my study book- The Next Level- God was sitting right across from me at the table talking through my life with me. One section of the chapter I was reading stated " If we realize that God will use every struggle, every pain, and every moment of confusion to teach us how to live, we'll embrace our trials instead of despising them." Wow is all I can say. If you really break that down piece by piece it definitely lets us see God and his plan. The bible verse that went with this section was Romans 5:3-5. It is a lengthy verse but i encourage you to read it. "we'll embrace our trials instead of despising them." I wrote that down and put it in my purse immediately with the verse so I would have a constant reminder of what God is really doing in my life. Pastor Scott Wilson continued with, "His intentions are always for our good-never to hurt us- but His test are difficult. If we understand His heart, we'll rise to the challenges and trust Him to instruct and inspire us." The verse that went with this section was Psalm 139:23-24.

It was an immediate realization on my part that I have not been trusting God enough. I have been trying to hard to control and fix everything in my life instead of letting God. I need to relax and trust Him to instruct me. I am going to work on this. I want to live the life God planned for me. I want to show him how much I love and trust Him. Its so hard for me to Let go and Let God sometimes. But I know and trust that if I continue to walk in His ways, it will get easier. His tests are difficult- sometimes extremely difficult. But i am going to trust His word.