My heart...

The past 2 months my heart has been full and my mind has been racing. Finding out about my sisters cancer has really put my life into a whirlwind of emotions. Tonite, I will be the most honest I think I have ever been to myself. I have been carrying around frustration, anxiety, resentment, love, passion, and exhaustion on my shoulders. I love my life with Justin. I love that he has a job that he loves and a really good job. But I hate being away from my family, and my bestest friends. I have rarely asked much of my friends, and i have been so resentful that one of my best girl friends proved she was not that when I asked her to be there for me during one of the most emotional times of my life. It was hard for me to understand why (we will just call her L R) was causing so much un-needed drama and hurt in my life when i needed a shoulder to cry on when learning of my sisters cancer. It hurt me because she was one of the closest friends to my heart I have in Lubbock. And God knows, I have been there for her through everything she has been through over the past few years. I have been feeling like I have been walking everyday like an emotional ticking time bomb. I needed to be with my family, i needed to know what Justin&my long term plans were. I felt this sudden need to pack up everything and move to my home asap. And I was angry that we were not doing that. And going through all of those emotions, topped with being a full time mom&teacher to my son were wearing me out. I looked on the outside like I was full of energy...but inside I have been exhausted and struggling. I know has been hard on Justin to see me cry as much as I have lately. I know he has been at a loss of words and stuck on what the "right" thing to do or say would be. But Justin is a believer in God and he constantly would tell me to pray about it and be patient. i am not going to lie...sometimes that would make me so upset. I wanted more.

When I was sitting in my thoughts with God tonite and doing my nightly bible study. I felt like everything I was reading was God speaking right to my soul. I wanted to share because I feel like it will provide some healing. I know when I read the words from my study book- The Next Level- God was sitting right across from me at the table talking through my life with me. One section of the chapter I was reading stated " If we realize that God will use every struggle, every pain, and every moment of confusion to teach us how to live, we'll embrace our trials instead of despising them." Wow is all I can say. If you really break that down piece by piece it definitely lets us see God and his plan. The bible verse that went with this section was Romans 5:3-5. It is a lengthy verse but i encourage you to read it. "we'll embrace our trials instead of despising them." I wrote that down and put it in my purse immediately with the verse so I would have a constant reminder of what God is really doing in my life. Pastor Scott Wilson continued with, "His intentions are always for our good-never to hurt us- but His test are difficult. If we understand His heart, we'll rise to the challenges and trust Him to instruct and inspire us." The verse that went with this section was Psalm 139:23-24.

It was an immediate realization on my part that I have not been trusting God enough. I have been trying to hard to control and fix everything in my life instead of letting God. I need to relax and trust Him to instruct me. I am going to work on this. I want to live the life God planned for me. I want to show him how much I love and trust Him. Its so hard for me to Let go and Let God sometimes. But I know and trust that if I continue to walk in His ways, it will get easier. His tests are difficult- sometimes extremely difficult. But i am going to trust His word.

2 Thanksgivings and a LONG DRIVE...

Thanksgiving was a very busy and exciting holiday weekend for our family this year. We spent Wednesday&Thursday with Justins family in New Mexico. Luke finally got to meet his Uncle Bill Jr who has been in Irag&Afghanistan since he was born. We played a family game of Texas Hold Em' and ate mexican food on Wednesday night. Thursday morning we spent cooking and getting dressed for Thanksgiving! Luke missed his nap because he was wanting to help everyone out and there was so much going on we could not get him to lay down. So by the time we were ready to eat, he was quite the fussy toddler. The food was so good! Luke had a few bites and then he was ready to get down&run around Nan's house. we made an attempt at family pictures...which is a tradition for us. But Luke was not having pictures and cameras...he just wanted to be left alone. So we let him play at the park and the rest of us took our pictures! Then we took him to the house and put him in bed while we watched the Cowboys game and ate some more! It was a fun day with lots of laughs! Friday we drove to Midlothian to spend Thanksgiving with my family. My mom cooked all day so when we arrived we got to visit for a bit then eat some more yummy food! My grandparents&2 of my cousins came and celebrated with us also! It was a relaxing evening and we listened to lots of my grandpas stories! I love hearing his old war stories! Luke played with his cousin Audrey! She is such a sweet baby girl and very calm. Luke stayed occupied with her and his Aunt Tamara. It was relaxing to Justin and I to be hands free and be able to sit and relax and visit. Saturday we did some shopping and had Lukes picture taken with Santa! Justin and I were going to go and cheer on our Red Raiders...but Luke&I both came down with congestion&colds. So we opted to stay in our pajamas on the couch with a humidifier and watched the game with my parents. We ate and just relaxed. It was a nice evening!

Sunday we went to church and then we geared up for our drive back to Lubbock. We have driven this drive so many times it is easy to us. We have routine stops along the way lol. But this drive, was not a normal one to say the least. Around Cisco the highway closed to a one lane. OMG..it was crazy. There was a 20 mile backup because of all the traffic for the holidays. To say the least, we went 2 miles in a 1 hr and 45 mins. Luke was so sick and extremely fussy. He usually falls asleep the moment the car gets going but not this time. He was so congested he could not get comfortable or breathe. To top it all off he started throwing up. We were not moving and nowhere near a gas station. So Justin and I prayed that God would just provide us with the strength and patience to get through this car ride. It usually takes us a little over 5 hours to make that drive...this trip it was over 10 hours. It was the hardest drive I have ever experienced in my life. Justin drove the whole way because it was dark by the time we were through the backup and he hates riding passenger while I drive in the dark. We got home around midnight and just walked straight to bed and fell asleep.

Regardless of the hard times and struggles of holiday traveling, it was still a very wonderful Thanksgiving! It was so nice to spend relaxing times with our families eating and enjoying Luke being the center of attention!

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving...I am thankful for so many things!

--I am thankful for Lucas Lee & the happiness he brings my heart with one smile ;)
--I am thankful for the prayers that friends send for my sister
--I am thankful for Justin. He is an amazing dad&husband. I am thankful he sets such a great example for Luke. I am glad Luke has the both of us raising him everyday. Our family does everything together and I am so blessed for that. I am blessed that Luke sees his dad and mom kiss and hug each other and love eachother. Luke always giggles when Justin kisses my bye in the mornings and I am thankful that he is going to grow up seeing that love.
--I am thankful for our dogs! Silly I know, but they are a part of my life and they are my family too. They make me smile, laugh and I love their cuddles on freezing cold mornings!
--I am thankful for the Nurses&doctors who care for my sister&her cancer.
--I am thankful for our church. Justin and I have finally found our church home in The Heights church and we are so blessed. It is everything we have been looking for in a church.
--I am thankful for my parents! They encourage&inspire me everyday.
-- I am thankful for football&basketball ;)
--I am thankful for chocolate and almonds!
--I am SOOOO thankful that my family&justins family get along. I am thankful that no matter what, both families keep Luke as a priority and help us with anything we need for him.
--I am thankful that Luke is 18 months old and we have only had to buy diapers 1 time! (thanks to his grandmothers!)
--I am thankful for my sister&brother. They are my bestest friends and they will always have a piece of my heart
--I am thankful for girl talk with my bestest girl friends: Bree, Brie, Hilary, Ryann&Machelle
--I am thankful that Tamara has made it through her first round of chemo & is doing so well considering all the odds
--I am thankful for smiles from strangers
--I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. I am thankful for his blood that saved me from sin and gave me eternal life.
--Most of all...I am so thankful for my son Lucas Lee. Everyday our bond grows more and more. He is my light- my soul- my heart. I love his charm! I love how he knows everything about me and we read eachother so well. I am thankful that he is healthy, happy and loved. I am thankful for every moment, every breath, every smile we share together.

Happy Thanksgiving 2009!

Christmas Tree

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! This time of the year is my favorite!

Today, Luke and I put up our Christmas tree! He loved playing with lights the most. He would plug them in and unplug them. Every time he plugged them back in he would smile and say "Yights Mama Yightssss" (lights haha) He thought most of the ornaments were balls so he liked to throw them. But I showed him they go on the tree and he helped put them on the tree. We will have to work on it a bit though because he also likes to take them back off the tree and throw them again....ohhh boy! We had a fun morning decorating and going through all of our Christmas boxes. And of course, I had Christmas music playing! Just another moment to stop and enjoy the little things through my angels eyes ;)! When Justin came home from lunch he was so excited to see the house decorated and smelling like Christmas with our candles!

Hat Boys!

Luke and his friend, Tony, were so cute playing with Justins Tech hats! Justin loves when Luke wears his Tech hats...makes him so super proud!!!

So blessed...

Lukes friend, Mia, came over to play and spend the day together! We love spending time w/Mia&her mom Adriana. They are fun, positive,silly& always a blast to hang out with! I took this photo of Luke and Mia dancing! They were so cute dancing to one of the many fun songs on Nick Jr. I wish the picture came out a little better- but i didnt have it on the motion shot! But still its precious and makes my heart all happy I get to stay home and watch my lil man dance away with one of his friends in their pj's

Handy man Justin!

Justin--my sweet, handyman, husband made this awesommmeee table for Luke! The whole top (black part) is all a chalkboard! Its so cute&perfect for Lukes new playroom! Justin and I have been trying to think of a good Christmas present for Luke...we generally make his something that fits his personality for special occasions. This time we thought it would be a great idea to make his own learning table for his play room. Since we are home together all day, I wanted Luke to have his own area to work on learning and have independent time. Justin worked the whole weekend on building him a new little room and making this table! It is perfect...everything I had in my mind i wanted it to be! For his own little touch he added a chalkboard top for Luke to draw with& it was a great idea! Luke LOVES it!!! Merry (Early) Christmas Luke ;)

18 months pics!

We spent the day at Legacy Play Village Park for Lukes 18month old special day! ;) Lukes bestest little friend, Ava, and her mom, Hilary, spent the afternoon with us running wild and free at the big play park!

18 Months!

Lucas Lee is 18 months!!!!! =)

Some things about our little boy:
- He loves animals and balls...if he sees a cow he goes "moooo"- or a dog its "wolf wolf"-& when he sees ducks he says "quackkkk"! Its really fascinating to see him smile and clap and laugh when he sees animals!
- Wheat Blueberry poptarts or donut holes w/bananas are his 2 favorite breakfast lol
- He loves playing outside! Loveeess it! He will play outside w/the pups forever & often cries if we bring him back in.
- He is all boy...for sure! he loves filling his tonka trucks up with dirt and pushing them through the back yard running over everything lol...he loves riding his lil man 4 wheeler&his black truck...he loves getting filthy and dirty outside
- Luke is putting 2-3 words together and i am so proud of how well he communicates! SO PROUD! For the past few days, he has been saying things like--"juice please"..."no isss mine"(not my favorite--really working on using "good/bad choice" instead of "no") and when he gets sleepy at night he says "bath nite nite"...which means he wants his bath&he wants to go to bed lol
- He goes to bed around 7:30 every night&wakes up at 7am on the dot every morning haha
-Luke is a pretty carefree toddler, he just kind of goes with the flow on everything. He likes to dance and run all crazy around the house. Most of my friends have girls..and i never understood the term "all boy" until i see Luke play with his girl friends lol! He is definitely a hand full and he keeps us on our toes...but in a fun&energetic way! He is really sweet&gets cuddly at night. He still likes to be rocked at night and i completely take advantage of it. I love when he snuggles up against my chest and holds my neck and falls asleep. it is the perfect time to pray and thank the Lord for his gift of love between a mom, dad&their baby. Luke will not go to sleep without Justin&I taking him to his room-both rocking&singing to him- then he sleeps and I am instantly at peace in my day. =)

**Luke,

I look forward to the next 18 months...and the next 18 years&more. You bring sunshine all the time to my day. You will never know how much dad&I love you...but we will make sure we tell you everyday anyways! I love singing to you...doing puzzles...playing outside...chasing you around the house...watching cartoons in our pj's...nosies(nose kissses)...&bathtime! But the best feeling I have ever had or will ever have is when you tell me "looovvvee mamaaaa"! I love you more Lucas Lee ;)

Tamara Update

This is the face of cancer?...She is beautiful inside&out!

This is round 3 of Tamara's chemo! She is having to go once a week right now. Every Tuesday she gears up for a full day in this chair...and has the best attitude ever about it! My mom went with her the first time, I went the second time&my mom is there this 3rd time! They have little TV's set up next to the chairs so each patient has their own. They also have a selection of movies to pick from and fun reading magazines. The nurses are so incredibly nice&loving. Last time we were there a man in the cubicle next to Tamara told her having cancer felt like a "fraternity". And as Tamara pointed out...cancer does not discriminate. There were people there from all backgrounds-all ages-all races. So Tamara sits in that seat for 7 hours and has chemo pumped into her body. But she has taken down 3 Chemo sessions!!!! She is exhausted the rest of the day&the day after. She gets a little sick and has night sweats...but she is happy&stays in good spirits constantly! She is Tamara ;)

Updates...

Just some updates...

--I am back to staying at home w/Lucas! It was a decision that I know is the right one for our family. We tried out a child care (part time) for Luke...but his personality started to change drastically. He began crying a lot- constantly was getting sick&having diaper rash- he would throw tantrums before we left every morning..it was just a lot of negativity and it was wearing on Justin and I. For a list of many reasons we felt that the care he was getting was just not good. Even though it will be a change for our family, we know we are making the right one. Luke&I have been back home together for almost 3 weeks and it has been a very positive change. Luke is back to being our happy, sweet boy! He rarely ever cries and is communicating so well! His vocabulary is expanding and improving every single day! And I am getting to spend quality potty-training time with him. I know he is only 18 months so we have started slowly. I have introduced the potty to him and will occasionally sit him on there and read to him. He has only gone potty in his little toilet 1 time...but he is learning. He usually goes and sits on it after he has gone to the bathroom in his diaper lol...but he is at least recognizing they go together! Luke also has not had one single diaper rash since we took him out of childcare. So all changes were very positive.

Another big change...is I am going back to school! Every since I graduated from Tech with my Health education degree, I have wanted to go back to school. Long term I would like to go into medical school and eventually start in pediatrics. Short term I would like to get my nursing degree and learn a lot of information while working in peds before I go into medical school! Soo...I am going to start evening classes at Wayland in Nursing. I am so excited! I feel like God is directing me. By nature, I fight off Gods will for my will...but I am learning so much about just giving everything to God and praying for His will. It has definitely relieved so much stress from my shoulders of worrying if I was making the right decision...or worrying about things I cannot control. Right now I am really focusing on taking one day at a time. The RN program will take me 2 years to complete and I start in January. I am channeling all my energy into just focusing on this first semester. College was fun to me and I love learning...but it is totally different when you are a mom and a wife also. I will be gone 4 nights a week for 2 hours and that will be an impact on Justin&Luke. Our family really does like to sit at the table&eat dinner together at night. We all do Lukes bathtime together and watch a movie together or read books before bed time. Justin will be doing this on his own and i will miss these moments. But 2 years can go by so quickly and then I will be living out my dreams and goals I have had in my life to be a doctor one day soon---very soon ;)

The Great Wolf Lodge

I took Luke to the Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine this past weekend! We had a blast! My sister, Tamara heard about this place&set up reservations for us and her good friend Sarah and her little boys! I am so happy she did because it was a great 2 days! There is a huge indoor warm water park&even a fun area for toddlers! There were some big slides too! And a wave pool, lazy river and hot tub! This place was made for kids and families! There was an ice cream parlor...a place for little girls to get manicures/pedicures, a big arcade, a science room, a technology room & a kids club craft room! & at 8pm they have story time in the lobby witht he kids in their pj's! CUTE! The boys loved every second of it! My best friend Bree even got to stop by and eat dinner with us there! There was never a dull moment with 3 boys...it was adventerous, exciting&exhausting lol! I would recommend it to anyone with kids looking for a fun nights stay!